Healing by Community (fb)

A recent Wall Street Journal article told the story of Lance Corporal Seth Voie- how he watched his best friend killed by a mine- how he dealt with the incredible loss- how the Marines are rethinking emotional trauma and how to best help men like Lance Cpl. Voie.

The devastation experienced by Lance Cpl. Voie in Afghanistan takes place in hearts and lives every day- the unexpected death of a loved one, the betrayal of a spouse, financial ruin.  Things that involve loss – loss that feels like total loss of everything.  How does one begin to rebuild, replace, relive…re-live…live again?

I wouldn’t pretend to know how most people, most cultures handle heart trauma- but have watched one particular people-group enough to have noticed a pattern.  They tend to linger in denial, over-spiritualize, retreat, isolate, and seek specialized individual treatment- usually in the form of paid counselors.  Sometimes there is an initial reaction of generosity in the form of food and cards, but by and large, the community tends to give space- content to wait until the grieving one reengages at their own pace, in their own way, if ever at all.  There is a general sense that healing is best left to trained professionals.  It’s not surprising, since this particular culture has generally embraced paid specialists for many of the significant parts of community life.

So what did the Marines do with a heartbroken Lance Corporal Voie?   “Sgt. Tippett and his men rallied around Lance Cpl. Seth Voie…There was no formal therapy, no group intervention, just casual conversations.  They shared stories of lost friends and gruesome moments.  They let him mourn, but refused to let him wallow in “why-him?” and “what –if?”  They kept him fighting.”  The Marines have been studying mental-health issues intently, referring to research that the Israeli military did in the 1980s.  “The latest research suggests troops handle battlefield stress better, and avoid post-war problems more often, when they heal among their comrades.”  “The closer they are to their buddies, and the company they trained and deployed with, the better chance you have of returning them to combat.”  The Marines are finding out that soldiers’ hearts heal best when they are quickly connected to their community and reengaged in their mission. 

All of the biblical material that describes this global community called Church jibes with the following in regards to trauma and healing:

-       Expect regular trauma at a deep heart level as a result of living in the “now but not yet”- we are an army at war and there will be casualties

-       Much of that trauma is relational and some can be avoided with an intense commitment to healthy relationships and aggressive conflict resolution “in the family”

-       The most dangerous thing a wounded person can do is to become isolated from their community

-       Healing should primarily take place in the context of community and mission.  Community is a group of people who do life together.  Mission is the lifestyle of the community called Church – it isn’t a meeting or an activity, it certainly isn’t formal “ministry.”  Under no circumstances should something involving a stage or a title be confused with mission- generally those things are hindrances to healing.

The Marines are discovering principles that a Creator built into our communal DNA.  Perhaps the next generation of American Christians will have the courage to love our wounded differently.

*  All quotes are from the article “Rx for Combat Stress: Comradeship”  Wall Street Journal April 2, 2011.

A Fourth Option (fb)

My new friend Steve works with families battling breast cancer.  We met on a long bike ride and he floated out this little wisdom nugget then moved on like it was something that everybody knows.  But everybody doesn't know.  He was talking about the astounding statistics on the number of men that bail on their wives during the breast cancer battle.  And he said "when men are faced with a tough situation they choose one of three options":  


1.  Control It
2.  Fix It
3.  Get away from it


He tries to help men find a fourth option when faced with something they definitely can't control or fix.


A couple of years ago my friend David Brown floated a similar wisdom nugget out during an innocent lunch.  "People have heard that finances are the number one reason that Christians get divorced but that's not true.  In my experience it is this- male withdrawal in the face of conflict."  


Families, marriages, communities, and nations need a generation of men who will seek a fourth option in the face of conflict.  My friend Diane calls it GMS - "good male strength."  It is a tender tenacity born from humility - a humility that is grounded in complete surrender to a God who is strong when we are weak.  The fourth option looks anything but weak, anything but passive - it engages, it revels in things that were once in the dark being exposed to the light, it seeks wisdom in community, delights in accountability, and embraces utter dependence on the presence and power of the one called Counselor.

No fail weight loss strategy (fb)

Listening to an NPR interview with the authors of the Longevity Project - an 80 year project studying the factors that contribute to longevity or the lack thereof.  A caller asked the question on everybody's mind, "You have stated that the key to longevity is the lifestyle choices that we already know about - eat lean meats, lots of veggies, portion control, exercise, etc.  But did you discover the best way to implement that lifestyle?"  The author answered with no hesitation, "Fantastic question - yes, we discovered that there is one factor that virtually guarantees success in starting and/or maintaining a lifestyle leading to longevity."  His enthusiasm had me riveted to hear that answer.  Books, videos, programs, places, and people bring in bajillions every year selling things that claim to provide the answer to the question - but this guy was claiming the one surefire thing - free- on NPR.  "The key to a healthy lifestyle is to hang around healthy people."  


Of course it is.  The key to any lifestyle change is to be in community with people who value the things you value.  It is the way Jesus modeled how to teach one-another to live in his Kingdom.  You hang out with people who value the things Jesus values - the things he modeled and taught in places like Matthew 5.  You don't do discipleship via book, program, study, class, or creed.  You get discipled by doing life with disciples.  Figure out who you want to be and then hang out with people who are more like that than you are - or at least are heading in the same direction.


I experienced a moment on Thursday.  Four men that I want to be like spontaneously showed up at the same place at the same time.  We laughed and made small talk.  That moment filled my sails with a mega-dose of faith.  


Want to be synical and bitter?  Hang around the bitter synics.
Want to be a lush?  Hang with lushes.  
Want to be a health freakazoid?  Hang around with people who are obsessed with their bodies.  
Want to be a go-kart racer?  Find the go-kart racers.  
Want to sit and listen?  Connect primarily with the sitters and listeners.  
Want to be a fearful parent?  Hang around fearful parents.  
Want to be proud?  Hang with the proud.  
Want a humble heart characterized by dogged dependence on the presence and power of the Holy Spirit - driven by heartsick gratitude for one who would call us beloved?  ...  You will find them in a place that is guaranteed to make you uncomfortable - and once you do - accept the invitation to the table- and stop believing you don't belong.

Unity is and is not (fc)

As Jesus sent his disciples out to do his works he didn’t say, “now be nice to each other and you’ll see the sick healed and demons flee and hearts transformed.”  He said “Don’t go alone; be careful!  I’m sending you out like sheep among wolves, expect to be imprisoned, expect persecution, expect to stand before politicians and princes, expect to be rejected by brothers and fathers, expect strife, but stand firm to the end because my Father will give you everything you need- in fact- it makes Him happy to give you his entire Kingdom!”

Paul, Peter, James – all of them say expect it to be hard- you’ll be tempted to blame each other but remember, you’re fighting demons not each other (Eph 6).

If we want unity it won’t feel like unity most of the time-  it will feel like we’re barely hanging on to each other.  Real unity, REAL community comes at a great price- we surrender our rights for the sake of Christ and one another.  We together go on a journey of dying to ourselves and living to Christ and it’s hard.

If it’s going well it will drive you into 2 places: 

1.     To your knees in desperate prayer

2.     Into hard conversations 

Fresh wind for our movement (fb)

I am proud to be a part of a world-wide movement that traces its roots back thousands of years.  I joined in high school, but had watched with curiosity and attraction for years.  Having no sense of the movement's history I couldn't have understood that I got connected at the beginning of a major downturn in our movement's popularity- at least in America.  The fact is that our movement has mostly fallen off of the radar of relevancy in our culture.

Prior to the 1940's the movement was primarily about professionals or the wealthy - but three things combined to create an explosion - making it accessible and desirable for millions of Americans.  First, a picture.  In 1953 Time magazine profiled John F. and Jackie Kennedy sailing small boats off sandy beaches off of Cape Cod.  The images told a story that included sailing in a life of romance, leadership, family, and citizenship.  The demand for sailing caused small communities of sailors to begin organizing.   These clubs were member owned and managed and existed to connect families with the opportunity to use free time sailing together.  The third factor was technological- in 1943 the Owens Corning company developed fiberglass, making boats both durable and affordable.  When Todd Little and I became 50-50 partners on a 16 foot Sidewinder racing sloop there were 10 million middle-class Americans that were part of this movement called "sailing."  In the last decade participation in sailing has declined by 40%.  Why?

First, the clubs built expensive water-front club houses during the boom years.  They began to hire staff, develop programs, include restaurants and bars, and generally forgot the core principle that they started with - "make it possible for people to sail."  The clubs that are currently thriving have no paid staff, still share resources, are intergenerational, and require that everyone give some of their free time for the sake of the club.  Todd and I got the guts to buy our boat because of a club at Lake Hefner that offered hourly rentals.

The "partners" tuning up Chastity in the driveway

Second, sailing became dominated by professionals and lost its connection to family life.  "The organic vitality of an activity can be measured by a ratio of amateurs to professionals active in it...when too many pros tax too few amateurs, some amateurs will start to wonder why they are in it."  In 2008, five percent of sailors were paid for it in some fashion.  Compare that with music, where one in 300 musicians are paid. The pro/amateur imbalance means that sailing has become a "crutch for some and a whim for others" rather than a lifestyle of the devoted.

Stacy and I bought "Dixie"- a 23' cruiser with a cabin- when our kids were four and six.  Sailing for us was about family and friends sharing experiences together.  It was a place of prayer, mentoring, laughter, and adventure.  It wasn't easy, but it was so worth it.

Third, sailing isn't simple - it is both art and science - quite complicated- the kind of thing that requires a lifetime commitment.  In the last 20 years our culture has abandoned "lifetime pursuits" in favor of paid entertainment in small time increments.  It is much easier to pay for a two hour movie than to head to a lake, rig a boat, read the wind, face a new challenge then take it all down and put it away.

Fourth, related to the former point, families aren't sailing together and the sailing industry promotes a generational disconnect.  "Find a culture where kids and adults are segregated and you'll find a culture on life support."  The decline of sailing in the last 20 years is directly correlated to the rise of kids "programs." We have taught a generation that sailing is primarily something to be done for kids, by kids, as kids in summer programs.  It is something to grow out of, not grow in to.

Finally, the focus on competition has brought division in sailing.  The professionals promoted sailing as a sport to compete in rather than a pastime to enjoy.  It is much easier to sell things to people who believe they need the latest and greatest, lightest and fastest.  The emphasis on racing created massive division among sailors competing to promote their race, their rules, their events, their class of boats as THE standard.  Each group has their own organizations, rules, publications, heroes and gurus.  For the average Joe that might be interested in sailing- this all seems like one big complicated mess.

What can we do about it?  What would it take for sailing to again become a lifestyle about shared adventure?

"Sailboats are flatly not family friendly in the popular sense.  On sailboats people argue, swear, and shout.  On sailboats, people fear, cry and celebrate.  On sailboats people fart, burp and vomit.  All out in the open.  But on sailboats, people, even children, learn to trust and understand each other, even when mistakes are made or common-sense lines are crossed...When sailing finally includes whole families and their networks, then sailing will gain in popularity again because it will matter again."

1.  Focus on mentoring

Jake about to take the helm as we motor out of Lake Hefner's East Bay

Real sailors are passionate about an idea: "that sailing is a better way to live than not sailing."  "...it is very difficult to spread one's passion into a pastime for the masses.  In fact, avidity usually develops one on one, or one to a few."  Mentors carry "authentic, contagious enthusiasm" for sailing- they are the key to its reemergence as a viable "Life Pastime" in the next generation.  "Mentoring en-masse is inevitably inauthentic.  And it fails when mentoring is confused with a place, a curriculum, philanthropy or a social program by well-meaning organizers."  Mentors are motivated by progress in their apprentices.  They don't waste time on just anyone- they look for apprentices willing to "commit, recommit, and recommit again even if it hurts."  "This can only happen in small groups of the same people over substantial time...everyone must participate."

2.  Raise the bar
"If sailors hope that sailing will survive and grow, they won't try to convince others that it is easy.  They will rightly call sailing what it is: difficult, time-consuming, evolving, sometimes risky and always worth it."

3.  Connect it to community, including women and girls

Em chillin' on Dixie

"Today, for every seven sailors on a boat, only one is a woman and almost none of these are active mothers."  Sailing has traditionally been the pastime of men and boys.  For sailing to begin growing again it must be about community, connecting families and generations to a shared lifestyle.  This requires a community commitment to create "overlapping free time" to spend together.

4.  Refocus sailing organizations around simple things-
"Define "family friendly" not as something sanitized or segregated, but as a thing purposely built for active family use."
Help mentors find apprentices and vice-versa
Focus everything around the idea of spreading a passion for sailing to as many as possible

Dad and Jake on Eufaula.  "I'll drive, you trim sails"

Finally- some things to avoid:
1.  "Don't focus on making entry easy; instead create open access and let the benefits pull those who choose to participate."
2.  "Don't encourage sailing, or for that matter any Life Pastime, to be a spectator sport.  It's bad for sailing and for spectators."
3.  "Never outsorce leadership.  Leaders are a product of time invested and shared experiences.  So invest time and share experiences among leaders and potential leaders."
4.  "Don't think that schools or programs or clubs and do what parents and/or mentor should do.
5.  "Never separate families and friends."
6.  "Never limit access to the water or deny someone time on a sailboat."

I recently finished reading Nicholas D. Hayes' Saving Sailing - all of the quotes and most of these ideas are direct lifts from that book.  If you, like me, are a student of leadership and community you should read this book.

I am a part of another movement that has declined with eery parallels to sailing in recent decades.  I love sailing, the other movement is my Eternal Past Time- why has it declined and what will it take to see it revived in America? - re-read the above with your Church glasses on - and be of good cheer - the breeze really is freshening from the east!

Why I am a runner (fb)

I watched the sun rise this morning over the Sorghum Hills on a ten-mile run.  It was beautiful and everything felt right.  I felt like a runner…I am a runner – so started thinking about why.

I am a runner because Stephanic Fischer spoke destiny over me.  She walked up to Stacy and I after church one day, looked at me and said “I see you as a runner.”  I hated running, looked like anything but a runner, had no plans to run.  But her words were powerful- words are powerful.

I am a runner because I started running.  Four years after Stephanie’s comment I took it with me and headed out the door for my first run.  I ran one minute then walked one.  Eventually I ran two minutes then walked one.  Then I ran ten minutes and walked two.  Eventually I ran a mile without walking.  I was happy with little victories and pathetic baby steps but I stayed…I ran.  You can’t be a runner if you don’t run.

I am a runner because of Eric Mixon.  He is my training partner and even though we don’t often run together I think about him every time I train.  He keeps me accountable to live the life I want to live.  I wouldn’t run without Eric.  You can’t run without accountable community.

I am a runner because I speak the language, I’ve had the experiences.  If I was injured tomorrow and never ran again I am forever part of the running family.  I have run for years not months.  I have experienced pain and suffering and victory.  It is a lifestyle not an event.

I am a follower of Jesus.  Destiny was spoken over me, I responded with a smidge of faith and started running towards Him, running with Him.  Accountable community keeps me running but, regardless, I am a part of a spiritual family forever.  I’ve had the experiences, I’m learning the language of Kingdom.  I want to help others run.  The family is supposed to be bigger.   Everyone is invited.

How the Community Communicates (fb)

Some thoughts about how comm tech is accelerating change in the Church:

A biblical theology of community says that we’re all connected- now a spiritual reality is becoming tangible to everyone.  I am connected to Nancy in Kenya via Facebook but, more broadly, we are aware of how the food we purchase in OKC impacts the rice farmer in Thailand.

New communications tech is fundamentally changing the way that community functions- you change the way community communicates... you change everything (credit Clay Shirkey’s great explanation of this principle in Here Comes Everybody).  For instance, hierarchy becomes unnecessary when everyone can talk to everyone.  This afternoon, via Twitter alone, we can muster an army from multiple churches to remodel a housing unit for a single mom at Tapestry- we don’t need anyone to plan it, publicize it, resource it, communicate it, connect us to it, educate us about it, train us for it.  In short- we don’t need a hierarchy to manage us.

The ability to pursue a vision together, with our community,  without relying on an organization means that we are fixin to see a humongous jailbreak of lay people (a.k.a. amateurs) taking over the leadership of this movement called Church.  Our theology says “everyone gets to play” but our paradigm says that’s not really true.  Now we see that one amateur with a heart to put tents in Haiti can git r done- that’s really exciting.  Effectiveness no longer requires professional management and organizational support.

The idea that our missional energy should be directed exclusively through organizations (local church, parachurch) that we belong to will seem increasingly silly.  The opportunity for missional community to form around “networks and neighborhoods” will increasingly unite people across denominational, theological, sociological and local church tribes.

As we become more aware of opportunities to “be the church” and “live as church,” in a manner that fits our vision, call, gifts, personality, networks, dreams, and the Kingdom worldview; we will become less willing to pay a subscription fee for participation in spiritual organizations (salaries, buildings, and programs).  Instead, we will choose to use our “giving” for fighting human-trafficking, projects we’re directly involved with, and people we’re directly connected to.  We will become better stewards of our giving resources, demanding more accountability and giving only to those projects that provide us the greatest Kingdom return on our financial investment.  This will further erode the current economic model of western “Church.”  What am I talking about?  I’m saying it will no longer be cool with us to pay to build buildings that go unused most of the week or pay for Mrs Johnson’s grandson, who plays the guitar, to sing Passion songs for the Sunday morning youth service; or to pay for Johnny Tightshirt to hang out at the church coffee “lounge” as a paid intern ‘cause it’s funner than funemployment.  Side note:  so is there anything in the current system that we’ll still be willing to pay for?  Yes, but it will have to be a clear value, characterized by excellence.  So we’ll pay for super excellent worship celebration, teaching, inspiration, and resources- …but not every week:)

Get ready for wiki-theology.  For the past 100 years we’ve been taught to fear incorrect doctrine.  Our ability to interact with “them” and “their” ideas will actually result in the Church starting to love the Church.  The main and plain will become mainer and plainer and we’ll no longer be afraid- when you’re not afraid you’re free.  Look for the language of Kingdom and discipleship to become the glue of a global, shared language of Church.

What an amazingly, exceedingly wonderful time to be a part of this 2000 year old, world-changing community called Church.  Ooooo I love tech-no-lo-gy, but noooooot as much as you you see…

Berry's Manifesto (fc)

 Love the quick profit, the annual raise,

    vacation with pay. Want more

    of everything ready-made. Be afraid

    to know your neighbors and to die.

    And you will have a window in your head.

    Not even your future will be a mystery

    any more. Your mind will be punched in a card

    and shut away in a little drawer.

    When they want you to buy something

    they will call you. When they want you

    to die for profit they will let you know.

    So, friends, every day do something

    that won't compute. Love the Lord.

    Love the world. Work for nothing.

    Take all that you have and be poor.

    Love someone who does not deserve it.

    Denounce the government and embrace

    the flag. Hope to live in that free

    republic for which it stands.

    Give your approval to all you cannot

    understand. Praise ignorance, for what man

    has not encountered he has not destroyed.

    Ask the questions that have no answers.

    Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.

    Say that your main crop is the forest

    that you did not plant,

    that you will not live to harvest.

    Say that the leaves are harvested

    when they have rotted into the mold.

    Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

    Put your faith in the two inches of humus

    that will build under the trees

    every thousand years.

    Listen to carrion - put your ear

    close, and hear the faint chattering

    of the songs that are to come.

    Expect the end of the world. Laugh.

    Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful

    though you have considered all the facts.

    So long as women do not go cheap

    for power, please women more than men.

    Ask yourself: Will this satisfy

    a woman satisfied to bear a child?

    Will this disturb the sleep

    of a woman near to giving birth?

    Go with your love to the fields.

    Lie down in the shade. Rest your head

    in her lap. Swear allegiance

    to what is nighest your thoughts.

    As soon as the generals and the politicos

    can predict the motions of your mind,

    lose it. Leave it as a sign

    to mark the false trail, the way

    you didn't go. Be like the fox

    who makes more tracks than necessary,

    some in the wrong direction.

    Practice resurrection.

     

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front" from The Country of Marriage, copyright © 1973 by Wendell Berry, reprinted by permission of Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc.

Relational Entrepreneurship (fb)

I just tweeted something I really like- that I've never said before- that I've never heard before.  I googled it and can't find a place where anyone else is saying it- but it IS what it IS.  Bloom I mean.  It's not just "social entrepreneurship" it's "relational entrepreneurship."  It is an entrepreneurial incubator based on, fueled by relationships.  Plus I just like the ring of it- I think people want to ask questions when they hear- "relational entrepreneurship" but when they hear "social entrepreneurship" it sounds like you're giving a lecture at some conference that nobody wants to attend.

What say you?

Sing Together (fb)

Stacy and I had walked the length of La Rambla- the most famous street in Barcelona.  It was a beautiful spring day and we were enjoying perhaps the greatest walking city in the world.  Suddenly we heard a sound...it was singing...we followed the sound off of the main drag, through the alley, around another corner...getting louder...suddenly, a courtyard, full of English people with flags singing at the top of their lungs, hundreds of them!  We later learned that they were in town for a proper "football" match against FC Barcelona.  If you're a European football fan- you're not in the family unless you know the songs.

My faith community has only existed for about 24 months.  My family grafted in less than a year ago.  Something is happening in our weekly gatherings.  I've asked a few friends and they agree- there is a fresh mojo flowing that is drawing us together.  It happens when we sing together.  We are starting to love singing together.  

So today I'm asking "why?"  It isn't because the band is great- most weeks there isn't one.  And it isn't because we are singing the "latest and greatest."  I do believe in my little community the God of the universe is drawing near to us in lots of ways- but there is a really practical thing that I think is hugely impacting this sing thing.  It's the same thing that enabled hundreds of English football fans to converge on a courtyard in the middle of Barcelona.  For the most part we sing the same handful of songs over and over.  These are becoming "our" songs- the way "we" connect to God and to each other.

At Christmas I attended a service at the church where Stacy grew up.  My in-laws still attend there, as do many high school and college friends.  It has never been my "church" but I've been there a dozen times over the last 25 years.  So I'm there at Christmas and I'm loving it and I'm feeling like "I'm part of the family- maybe I'm the cousin 18 times removed that doesn't come around much, but I a part of the clan nonetheless."  And I reflected then that a big part of the reason I feel at home is that I know the songs.  This church has sung the same three songs, in the same peculiar 70's style (the era of the community's founding), every week for the history of the community- and I know the songs!  So when everyone stands up and starts singing "To be alive..." I'm right there with them- which means- I'm in!

Music is the language of the heart- and singing together, throughout human history, has served as glue binding communities together- defining who is in and who is out.  It is SO powerful.  So I was thinking, how could we release that power in our families, our small groups, our neighborhoods, our businesses?  I know Wal-Mart has their sing-alongs when they open new stores and train new "team members."  I dunno- maybe at 3:00 every afternoon at our office we could gather 'round and sing a rousing version of Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle" or Van Halen "Right Now."  You laugh- where do you think so many of the great hymns came from.  That's right- guys getting off work, heading to the pub for a few cool ones, then someone would start singing and everyone would join in.  Those songs were so familiar that they made for great church songs (sans the original lyrics)- everyone already knew the melody.  That's the power of corporate singing for culture creation.  I'm just saying...